Monday, August 22, 2016

Smells like infant skin

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So I was thinking about children dying of cancer the other day and I thought about that Make-A-Wish Foundation that grants sick children dying wishes. I'm sure you've heard of it. The kid basically gets to meet someone with the exact opposite luck as them.

What if one of the kids asked for a blumpkin? Would they have to grant the wish? I figure they would. I mean, who's going to say no to a little kid dying of cancer?

Jeez, what a wonderful organization!

Ryan Seabreast

You know what? I don't get what the big deal is about breast feeding in public. Who are these assholes that are getting upset about this? How is feeding an infant, sweet, sweet titty milk, a bad thing? What the hell is the poor woman supposed to do? And really, if you don't like it that much, the best thing you could possibly do is to get really into it!

Think about it: Every time you see a mother breast feeding a child, you stop and just take in the scene. You wouldn't even have to stare, just stop and make eye contact while looking back and forth between the baby and the mother. Maybe say something cute like "Looks like a mouthful!" or "If I beat her in an arm wrestling match, can we trade places?" - something playful!

Also, there has to be a sub-sect of men out there who are super turned-on by breast feeding. I mean, sure, it's weird, but there are people who like to get pissed on and I think that's even weirder. (There's probably hundreds-of-thousands of people who like to get pissed on. You've probably worked with someone who had been pissed on the night before and you didn't even know it. Reminds me of a girl I dated once who's ex-husband made her piss on him.)


Wrestling is for guys who like wrestling. 

I hope I never know someone who turns out to be successful in pro-wrestling. (The fake shit, not the shit where they roll around, on a ring-worm infested gym mat, for 3 hours,while I try to not get a boner.)

My reasoning for this is because there is NO FUCKING WAY IN THE WORLD that I wouldn't make fun of them, when they first started out. Because you know guys like Hulk Hogan and Stone Cold Steve Austin did some embarrassing small-time wrestling bullshit to start out. I'd go watch and be supportive of my friend, but I'd also laugh my ass off when they came out wearing a banana hammock in front of 20 local 'billies, still high on meth hits they did in their trucks before coming.

Then they'd get on WWE, get famous as fuck and call me every day to remind me of what a cock-sucker I was and hang up laughing, as I'd hear sucking and fucking sounds in the back-ground from their constant, drug-fueled, pro-wrestling orgies! sounds like fun...

Eat shit and go to health.

What's the deal with all the pro-health initiatives lately? Michelle Obama is fighting childhood obesity, Oprah is back down to 400lbs., everything is organic or GMO free.

Why? What's our rush to make everyone else live longer? I say fuck 'em! Let's free up some space! If someone wants to eat Flaming Hot Cheetos all day and mainline Monster Extreme Energy Drink- have fucking at it! Here, I'll tie you off! If there were a few less fat old republicans around, I think I could live with that...



At first I was like "This won't last! It's too wonderful! I haven't gone to church in over a decade, no way could this become a lasting fashion trend!"

But here we are, many years and boners later and it's like it's the first day anybody ever wore them! I predict in the future they will refer to these times as "The greatest time in history".


Sunday, May 8, 2016

I've decided that I need to infiltrate a local cycling group and get a few of them addicted to crack.

Hear me out.

Then when they need money, I can buy their bikes at rock bottom prices!


If you ask me, the penalty for murder in the U.S. is far too harsh. (Well, unless you kill an unborn baby, then you just get a high-five from me and maybe a spaghetti dinner if you're real good!) Shit, what do you face now-a-days for a 1st degree murder? Life? That's a bunch of bullshit.

What if the person had it coming? Maybe they were rude to a waitress for no reason? Maybe they pissed all over the toilet seat in a uni-sex bathroom? Maybe they agree with Donald Trump on any single issue? Either way you slice it, they need to die.

Think about if the punishment was a year for Murder One. For instance, someone at work is being a fucking cunt and needs to be hit in the head with an anvil. You, being a hero, take one for the team and drop an anvil on their stupid fucking face and are convicted of murder.

Bada-boom, a year later you walk out a free person and no one has to deal with that fucking cunt again! It'd really cut down on a lot of people's bullshit. Fuck, I'd sure as hell be a lot more careful in my day-to-day interactions if I knew someone might kill me for pissing on their wife's face. I'd cut that shit asafp.

prince purple rain


Sunday, May 1, 2016

Well, well, well...if it isn't Captiain Shittybreath!

I'm walking with my girlfriend and a guy looks at her boobs as she walks by. He then looks at me, who is looking at him, looking at my girlfriend's boobs. He then quickly looked away and mouthed 'DAMN IT!' to himself.

If the poor guy only knew how many effin' times I've done almost the exact same thing, then he'd chuckle and we'd high-five.


"You know the Red Bull cans? Like the size of them?" my co-worker asked me.

"Yeah." I replied.

"That is how big my shit was! It was so bad! There was blood everywhere! I was screaming the whole time just like "Ahhhhhhhhhh!"" he screamed at me in the car.


He was telling me about the aftermath of his hemorrhoid surgery. Not that this has anything to do with anything but my fucked up mind can only think that butt-sex lead to his hemorrhoid issues.

Oh, he's also flamboyantly gay.

Here's the joke I told to some people at a small social gathering I went to last weekend.

"Whoever said white men can't jump, didn't see footage of 9/11."

There was a simultaneous groan/gasp/'Maaaaark...' and I stopped telling jokes.


One thing that always makes me scratch my noggin is when I see someone post about how busy they are with work/school/life.

You're so fucking busy you had time to post about it on FB twice today?

Fuck you. Everyone is busy.


How is it that 85% of all current film/TV is fucking terrible? Who watches this bullshit?

In related news, Donald Trump is making a legitimate run for the White House.

How fucking dumb is that? I used to think I disliked that walking, talking pile of orange shit and then I heard him talk. The fact that he has gotten this far only proves how insanely incompetent millions of the American people are.

Fuck me....fuck me...


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Tuesday, August 18, 2015


A few years ago a chain pizza place opened about 5 blocks from my house. Because I don't want give them free advertising (or get sued), I'm just going to call it 'Tiny Tweezers' and say they sell 'Moderatly Warm and ReadyShitty' pizzas. This was a horrible thing for my health/weight/sex-life. Before the place opened I had already sworn off their regular five-buck-gut-fuck of a shit excuse for a pizza. Then I had a friend introduce me to their stupid fucking delicious deep-dish, for a few clams more, and I was hooked.

eating animated GIF

At first it was just on weekends, with friends after a few beers. Then after work, a few times a week. The next thing I knew I was homeless and giving rim-jobs and old-fashions at the assisted living facility. I knew I had hit rock bottom when I woke up under a bridge in Detroit with a 'Detroit Hustles Harder' t-shirt on and 'Kid Rock: Most Okay Songs' burned CD stuff between by chaffed butt cheeks. I'd like to say I've had worse things between by butt cheeks, but I don't want to lie to you.

So I quit....for a while....

Last night I broke down. I found myself hungry with a 10-spot in my pocket and the next thing I knew I was getting out a plate and sniffing the wonderful aroma as I opened the box like a horny ex-con slowly opening his latest issue of 'Dirty Anal Grannies' magazine.
It was sick.
I stuck my fingers into that greasy bitch and greedily snatched out a couple of limp, lukewarm slices. I thought 'Huh...' that's an odd feeling as I slopped the shitty pizza on to my disgraced plate. Being an ex-deep-dish-junkie, I know what a fresh deep-dish should feel like, and this wasn't a fresh deep-dish. I bet this pizza was in the warmer for over an hour.

I'd been fucked. My dealer screwed me.

As I choked down my 3rd slice, debating weather or not to go back and burn the store down, I decided I'd never go there again.

I realized that getting that bad fix actually helped me break my addiction.

This is why I now believe in god.

Just kidding. That shit is dumb.


I was at work the other day thinking about how awful it'd be to black with a small dick. That'd be a real bitch. If I have a small dick, I mean, big surprise right? I'm an average build, white guy. But with all the hype of black guy's dicks and all that bullshit, how awful would it be to be the one of the many black guys with smaller-than-normal dicks? I mean, the girl/guy you're with would be expecting something impressive and there you are with your little penis.

After about 20 seconds I realized I'd just spent entirely too much time thinking about black dicks.


So I'm working with a guy who might be my boss in a week.

Pigg: "There's a lot of homeless people down town ain't there?"
Me: "Yeah, man, they are all over."
P: "Rude mother fuckers! I almost beat the shit out of one for commenting on my lady!"
M: "Oh yeah?"
P: "Yeah! I spent time in prison! I love to fight!"
M: (Looking at him like 'Please tell me more...')
P: "Spent 13 years in the clink. 13 calendar years! Shit's tough in there!"
M: "No shit?!"
P: "No shit."
M: "What did you go for?"
P: "Man slaughter. Accidentally killed my best friend with a gun. Shot his head off."
M: "Holy shit."
P: "Yeah. When it happened, we were on the second story of a house and I jumped out a glass window and hit the ground and got knocked out. When I came to, I was cut all over from the window and then remembered what had just happened- so I got up and started running again. I ran until I passed out. That's how they found me. Passed out from running."
M: "Holy shit."
P: "I got in a lot of trouble in prison. I got 5 years but 'cuz of fightin' and shit I kept getting more. Ended up doing 13 years..."
M: "Holy shit."
P: "Then I got out and about 4 months later I smoked some weed with my friend and flipped out. Thought I was going back to prison, thought my friend was still it was bad. Never did that shit again!"

Later he told me he was from Saginaw, Michigan. He said he liked to go back and get a hotel room once a month, get drunk and 'gut some bitches'.

"Sounds like fun!" I said to him.


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Monday, July 20, 2015

Sorry for being born.

My girlfriend: "How's your blog coming?"
Me: "Infrequent."


So how about that gay marriage huh? It's almost like we are a compassionate, understanding society here in the old USA. I'm super-stoked for the gay couples that now get to make the huge mistake of getting married to someone they think they love!  PLUS it REALLY pisses off conservative Jesus suck-dicks! That's like the half the fucking fun for me really!

I actually had a 65 year-old family friend say to me "I don't care what they do as long as they aren't molesting my kid..." and I responded with "I feel that way about anyone regardless of who they marry..."

"Well, it's not right! It's not natural! They'll go to hell!"

SO? Let them go to hell! More room for you and your fuckhead friends up there in heaven with your white jesus!

I saw this on my local Craigslist in the 'Musical Instrument' section.

Why oh fucking why would you put a picture of yourself up playing the instrument for sale? I don't want to see your greasy, cum-coated hands molesting the guitar I might want to purchase.


Whenever someone a woman tells me that a place it 'haunted' I want to ask them "Do you know that my dick is the Fountain of Youth?"

And she'd respond "What?!"

"Did you know that my penis is the Fountain of Youth and if you shower in my pee and/or sperm, you'll live forever?"

And she'd say "No way. That's a lie! Don't lie to me!"

"Well, I figured if you believe in fucking ghosts haunting a place, then I figured you'd go for my dick being the Fountain of Youth."

Monday, June 29, 2015

"I look like an advertisement for 'Brokedick, Bitch-tit Runner' magazine."

I was at a coffee chain place today and the girl getting my iced coffee asked me "Got any plans today?"

"Ah, I don't know... I was going to kill my girlfriend and fuck my dog later...but nothing big...."

She was about 17 years old and training, so I was just friendly and remembered all the times I was the awkward teenager in a shitty retail job.


"A watched Facebook post, never gets liked."- John Harington


Aren't we all 'Foodies'?

"Well, I myself like new dining experiences and food that tastes good..."   Uh, who doesn't? It states that a 'Foodie' eats as a hobby, not out of hunger. I don't know about you but I'm always fucking hungry. Okay, okay, one time I ate 5 hot dogs in one sitting and I wasn't hungry for about 2 hours but I took a massive dump and I've been hungry ever since.

"I'm a foodie!" No. You are a human being who enjoys eating like everyone else. If you are an animal and you shit, then you are a 'Foodie'. Would you ever clam to be a 'Liquidie'? "I just enjoy liquids so much!!"

I guess when I drank 12 beers a day I could have considered myself a Liquidie!
HAHAHAHAHA! (Laughs turn into sobs.)

The title is a direct quote to my friend about my running attire.

Monday, June 8, 2015

You blew it


I was thinking the other day about how dick-obsessed some men are. Worrying if their dick is big/long enough, making sure everyone within ear-shot knows their dick is homo/hetero-sexual, buying Dodge Ram Trucks, writing paragraphs about dicks titled 'dick'....

I often make jokes about my 'tiny white dick' to my girlfriend.

She loves it.                  Loves.          It.

So anyway, where was I? Oh! Right! Dicks!

So guys are worried about their dick size and why wouldn't they be? It's a common joke about men. As far back as I can remember having a dick (3 or 4 months now) I can remember jokes about small dicks. I found out in about 8th grade that if I made jokes about how small/big my dick was, people  other 8th graders found it amazingly funny. (Oh how things have changed!!!)

I was thinking how awesome it'd be if girls measuring their vaginas became a thing. Like girls saying to one another "Oh! Yeah, Karen?! I bet her vag is like 4 inches!!!"

Or guys talking to one another "Bess' vag is like less than an inch BROOOOOO!"

How great would that be? Maybe on female-centric internet porn they could have pop-up ads advertising ways to 'shrink your puss'! (Only girls that are awesome will get that joke.)


One time when I was in Catholic elementary school I had a substitute teacher call me out in class for looking at the clock. "Do you have some where more important to be!?" the fat cunt yelled at me. I was humiliated and made to feel like a piece of shit.  She even called me up to her desk later to reiterate what a shit I was for looking at the clock.

About 5 years ago she died and if I could have given less shits, I would have.