Monday, August 22, 2016

Smells like infant skin

clouds timelapse nature star stars


So I was thinking about children dying of cancer the other day and I thought about that Make-A-Wish Foundation that grants sick children dying wishes. I'm sure you've heard of it. The kid basically gets to meet someone with the exact opposite luck as them.


What if one of the kids asked for a blumpkin? Would they have to grant the wish? I figure they would. I mean, who's going to say no to a little kid dying of cancer?

Jeez, what a wonderful organization!



Ryan Seabreast

You know what? I don't get what the big deal is about breast feeding in public. Who are these assholes that are getting upset about this? How is feeding an infant, sweet, sweet titty milk, a bad thing? What the hell is the poor woman supposed to do? And really, if you don't like it that much, the best thing you could possibly do is to get really into it!

Think about it: Every time you see a mother breast feeding a child, you stop and just take in the scene. You wouldn't even have to stare, just stop and make eye contact while looking back and forth between the baby and the mother. Maybe say something cute like "Looks like a mouthful!" or "If I beat her in an arm wrestling match, can we trade places?" - something playful!

Also, there has to be a sub-sect of men out there who are super turned-on by breast feeding. I mean, sure, it's weird, but there are people who like to get pissed on and I think that's even weirder. (There's probably hundreds-of-thousands of people who like to get pissed on. You've probably worked with someone who had been pissed on the night before and you didn't even know it. Reminds me of a girl I dated once who's ex-husband made her piss on him.)

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Wrestling is for guys who like wrestling. 

I hope I never know someone who turns out to be successful in pro-wrestling. (The fake shit, not the shit where they roll around, on a ring-worm infested gym mat, for 3 hours,while I try to not get a boner.)

My reasoning for this is because there is NO FUCKING WAY IN THE WORLD that I wouldn't make fun of them, when they first started out. Because you know guys like Hulk Hogan and Stone Cold Steve Austin did some embarrassing small-time wrestling bullshit to start out. I'd go watch and be supportive of my friend, but I'd also laugh my ass off when they came out wearing a banana hammock in front of 20 local 'billies, still high on meth hits they did in their trucks before coming.

Then they'd get on WWE, get famous as fuck and call me every day to remind me of what a cock-sucker I was and hang up laughing, as I'd hear sucking and fucking sounds in the back-ground from their constant, drug-fueled, pro-wrestling orgies!


Man...pro-wrestling sounds like fun...

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Eat shit and go to health.

What's the deal with all the pro-health initiatives lately? Michelle Obama is fighting childhood obesity, Oprah is back down to 400lbs., everything is organic or GMO free.

Why? What's our rush to make everyone else live longer? I say fuck 'em! Let's free up some space! If someone wants to eat Flaming Hot Cheetos all day and mainline Monster Extreme Energy Drink- have fucking at it! Here, I'll tie you off! If there were a few less fat old republicans around, I think I could live with that...

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Yoga pants WILL NOT GO OUT OF STYLE! 

At first I was like "This won't last! It's too wonderful! I haven't gone to church in over a decade, no way could this become a lasting fashion trend!"

But here we are, many years and boners later and it's like it's the first day anybody ever wore them! I predict in the future they will refer to these times as "The greatest time in history".

WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE!